Andaman & Nicobar Islands, a union territory belonging to India which is a gorgeous tourist destination with emerald blue sky and clear sea water with colorful coral reefs, in the South East of Asia, a tiny tropical paradise which is rarely visible on the world maps unless you zoom in with a population of around 380,000 people.
That’s my homeland!
Yes, I was born and raised in Andaman Islands, in a middle class family.
I had an amazing childhood and was blessed with parents who were modern in their thinking (if only you can imagine how orthodox Indian society is or can be). My parents were highly educated and always infused the concept of becoming a strong independent girl in me from the age of 4. I guess it was their way of making sure that I felt safe growing up as a girl in India. I was daddy’s princess and he would go out of his way to make a better life for me.
I was taught the simplicity of life, importance of relationships, values of Christianity and living in harmony with the raw beauty of the gorgeous tropical paradise.
Sounds all good isn’t it! And it was! It was all perfect!
As I entered my teenage, like every other teenager I too wanted to spread my wings to explore a whole new world. I felt caged in the small town where almost everyone knew each other, had simple life, spent evenings gossiping and went to bed by 9pm.
It was during my teenage years was when I began to question certain ‘taboo’ topics like sexuality, menstruation or even being a bold woman! Not many of my questions were answered as I knew that my parents did their best to provide me with a good upbringing and that no one ever had those questions answered for them.
I was intelligent, quiet, tiny and super skinny but always felt like a rebel in heart. I obviously never showed it directly to my parents, family or even the society, except few of my close girl friends who felt the same.
I was taught that as a girl I am supposed to always listen, obey and never argue or question elders even if I felt that they were wrong; be modest by never showing off my goodness or brag about myself, cover myself by the clothes I wear as it may induce feelings of sin among men and most importantly learn to compromise.
At the age of 15 I had the opportunity to leave my hometown for higher studies. I then understood that my parents were actually preparing me to leave for the rest of my life.
I spent the next 6 years in the mainland India, got myself an Engineering Degree and found a good paying job in a new city. I remember that feeling of being 21, newly employed in an IT company and living alone in my own rented flat. I felt independent. I felt strong. I felt I had achieved what I was longing for. I felt great!
My parents were extremely supportive throughout this entire time. However, to my surprise that great feeling did not last for long. I cannot not admit that being a young independent girl in India just until early 2000s was not an easy scene. I had achieved freedom of living my life; however, I was constantly struggling with the freedom to express myself esp. with the society judging me for being an independent girl and living my life in myown terms.
Soon I felt the societal pressure to get married, have few kids, save for family home and pass the same legacy to my next generation.
I always fantasized how amazing it was to live in the Western World where women had the freedom to do what they want, go out when they want, wear what they want, have children when they want and just ‘BE’ themselves .
Couple of years down the lane, I received an opportunity to pursue a Master’s degree in London, UK and guess what!! I knew that was the next level of independence and freedom that I was longing for, besides, I was totally drained working 14 hours a day in a very competitive IT Company, having no personal time to even enjoy the money that I was earning plus having the societal pressure to soon get married and have kids. I thought of it as my chance to escape the invisible cage that I was living in.
Once again, my parents appreciated my decision and did their best to make all arrangements for me to move to London for a year. I was excited and for some weird reason felt very sad at the same time. At that time, I wasn’t as good in checking in with my feelings and emotions as I can say I am today. As I was about to board the plane, I looked back at my family of 3 (dad, mum and younger brother), little did I know that it will be the last time I would see all of them together. We hugged, shed some tears and wished each other the best.
It was my first longest flight ever! After 14 hours, I was in London, UK.
2007.. London, here I come!
Life became totally different. I was amazed to see people of different origins, nationalities and languages. I could walk on the streets wearing whatever I want, at whatever time and no one would stare at me or even make me feel uncomfortable (unlike in India). I felt so free! However, being the independent girl, I had to find myself a part time job to be able to sustain in this expensive city. I found a part time job as a street merchandiser giving out free newspapers every weekday evenings. It felt a bit embarrassing coming from a reputed IT company job and standing in the streets of London. However, it suited perfectly with my university timings in the day and paid surprisingly well as compared to any other part time jobs that were available for students. I did a couple of part time jobs alongside, saved enough money to buy some gifts for my family back home and to treat myself during the upcoming Christmas holiday.
One evening I received a phone call from one of my relatives asking me to come back home as soon as possible! My dad had a sudden death. He was the holding pillar of my small family and I experienced the longest journey of my life to get to Andaman Islands the next day for his funeral. Frankly speaking, I was praying that my plane never lands as it was all so sudden and I didn’t have the guts to face this experience.
I spent a month with my mum and brother regrouping our emotions and the loss. Dad’s sudden death showed us many true colors of our extended family members. It was a hard time. My mum was in total mess and every single extended family member wanted to me to stay with my mum and never get back to London. To be honest, I had similar feelings. I wasn’t able to decide the next steps.
After few weeks my mum said to me – ‘It was your dad’s dream to see you graduate in London and now you being the elder in the family have to carry on his dream and become an example to your younger brother.’
It was a tough wake up call for me! I fastened my ‘strong woman’ belt and returned to London.
I finished my Master’s degree, got a decent job and made good friends. My mum and some of my extended family members visited me to be with me on my Graduation Ceremony. It was a proud moment for all of them as I became the first ever person in my tiny islands to have graduated from London.
It was a great feeling! I felt a sense of achievement, independence and freedom to create my life! The death of father taught me one big lesson – ‘go for your dreams!‘
He always said that to me since childhood! On the other side of the world, I was ridiculed by few people back home that I had left my mother alone at the very time she needed me just to go to London and enjoy my life.. but they didn’t really know what was fueling me! Some of my very own extended family members called me as a ‘burden’ to my mother for not still being unmarried!
Well.. life moved on.. and soon I was caught up in the busy-ness of my life. The work schedule became hectic and monotonous. Weekends ended up in partying numbing the pain of going back to work every Monday. What else do people do in their lives?
In all these one thing that became prevalent to me was that my fantasy of the life of a western woman was not just how I perceived. I realized that women in the West were under extreme pressure of looking good to stand out of competition, to get noticed, to be heard, to earn more money and to be taken seriously. I got carried away in this whirl too! I caught myself doing the sexy and not feeling the sexy.
Routine became a chore! Something went off! I didn’t really know what it was.
I was getting super drained in my job, my relationship was not interesting anymore and friends became boring. I was tired of it of ‘ALL’. I found myself in the company of fake friends who were there just for gossiping, binging, drugs, I had a toxic relationship which killed my self-esteem. I began to fall sick – did plenty of blood tests but doctors found no answers! I found my body covered with eczema. I no longer felt beautiful. In fact, I felt annoyed every time I received any good compliment! I felt it all to be fake and that I was living in a fake world and that people around me are fake too! I began to long for that simple life which I experienced as a little girl growing up in my paradise home.
I wanted to run away! But where to?
I was confused as I didn’t know what was going on with me.
Now that I know more –
I was denying the most important aspect of life – evolution, expansion & growth!!
It was like I lost my identity.
But the one thing I was sure about was that I was just not given this life to work hard, pay the bills, oblige with the societal norms and die after all!!
Since my childhood, I felt deeply that I was meant to live an extra-ordinary life.. but there I was struggling with the wide range of my emotions! It was then time for a nervous meltdown – there I sat in the Southwark Park in London and cried my heart out for hours. I decided not to leave until I get some kind of sign from God (questioning if there was any!!)
All I wanted was some guidance on what was going on with me.. I knew I was a smart girl and will understand if I was given some sort of sign. Nothing happened.. I got tired of crying and returned home all disappointed. I was a total shambles!
Next morning, one of my dear friends offered if I would like to be her guinea pig for the new life coaching training that she had completed recently. I had no reason to say ‘NO’!! As they say when the student is ready, teacher appears.
Surprisingly, within couple of days I came across a workshop advert on Facebook that said – Awaken Your Authentic Feminine and I knew right away that I had to attend and looking back it was one of the best decisions of my life.
I spent the next 2 years (& until today ;-)) exploring the true essence of life in a deep spiritual way with the help of several teachers. I changed my job, my circle of friends to a new community that supported my growth, I experienced intense emotions, cried a lot, released a lot of emotional baggage, allowed myself the time to heal all the physical and emotional abuse, connected with my soul and uncovered my divine purpose on this planet –
I rediscovered myself finally!!
Now that I look back, I can say that I had to lose my internal flame to re-discover my real essence. I am so grateful for my journey.
Many of us lose our essence by letting our not so pretty life-story take over.
This is the classic trap where our job becomes more important than living, where a relationship overshadows our own needs, where expectations rule our emotions and we can’t pace life to our own style.
In working with the spiritual practices around essence I began to see how life was flowing around me. It became clearer why people do what they do. I felt connected to the world in a deeper manner. When I discovered my essence, I realised that my sacred purpose is to spread this work to the women around which is led me to create the company Exploring Femininity as I realised that I was not the only woman feeling lost in the real essence of womanhood.
I made the decision to pass on the divine feminine wisdom to as many women around and invite them on a journey of exploring their femininity. I now run monthly women’s circles, online workshops, sacred femininine retreats and private coaching.
I am loving living life outside the box, happily married to the same boyfriend, running my successful lifestyle coaching business, fulfilling my purpose of empowering other women, facing my fears, traveling the world!
Losing my in-grained identity led me to rediscover my true identity!!
So sister, if you are going through one of the most hopeless/painful times of your life, know that life is giving you an opportunity to rediscover the most resilience part of yourself so that you expand your capacity to receive your big-desires, wildest dreams.
Hope my story stirred something beautiful in your feminine.
Exploring Femininity invites modern day busy woman to invoke herself in her desires, live intentionally through rituals and transmute pain through movement.
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